Expressing Grace
11/13/2021
To my younger self,
How hard it was to go from being a big fish in a small sea to a small fish in a big sea! The things you need to know stepping into college are endless. Even knowing what I know now I could not tell you all of them, but I can begin with some of the ones I find most important. Over my years here at Delaware, I have learned more about myself than I ever had before. It has not always been easy but I learned to accept the process, overlook the failures, celebrate the small successes, gained confidence and remembered who I was along the way.
Over the years, I have failed more times than I’d like to admit, but it is not something to frown on. It’s something to look back on to see how far you have come. I started out in college missing home, struggling to make friends outside of the team and not making friends on the team all the while not being the star I expected to be. After my freshman fall semester, I was focused on all the things I had not yet accomplished. My mental toughness was poor and I thought that I was not going to make it through. Thinking about it now, it had nothing to do with my success on the court but everything to do with how I perceived things happening in my life. Going home for winter break I weighed my options about transferring and starting new. I was crazy to think that anywhere but Delaware would feel like home.
My renewed commitment was set by the time the spring semester started. There were moments when I was really good at life and volleyball at the same time, and that was something that I used to feel was impossible. Fast forward to the next season, Sophomore year 2019-20. I felt like I had taken five steps forward and then ten steps back. Anxiety took a toll on my confidence and celebrating those small accomplishments became hard. I surrounded myself with toxicity over happiness. I chose others over myself. My kindness was taken advantage of and I felt alone in the idea I did not know who my real friends were. I lacked a support system which is such a major factor in the success of a team in college. Yes, I had my parents and siblings supporting me and doing everything in their power to keep me motivated, for some reason that was not enough. Once again that idea that the grass was greener on the other side would resurface in my head. Truth was I was not watering my own grass enough for it to grow.
Junior year came quickly and I started to get it. Things were really turning around and then came COVID and our season was cancelled. This was a blessing in disguise. I took this time to continue to self-reflect, learn self-love, enhance my mental toughness and realize all I needed was me. When I took the time to grow things began to fall into place. Junior season was played in the Spring. There was the added stress of new rules due to COVID, restricted schedule and MASKS. This really tested our commitment and discipline to a team. The season went by quickly but nothing short of exciting, especially ending the season with a big win over West Virginia. Junior year was a big year of growth for me. I really got to be myself on and off the court and experience my confidence grow with every swing and block. Prior to my Junior year, I may not have had the playing time I had hoped for, but it gave me the time to work hard, gain confidence, learn patience, support my team and be prepared for when my name was called! It’s that moment you have been working for, for weeks, months, or even years.
Here we are NOW in Senior year. The time has flown by and my experience is coming to a close. This year has been exciting but difficult knowing now what has been learned. You have learned how to be a leader, how to be confident in yourself, how to feel things fully but still have the ability to move on. Your mental toughness is strong and close to unbreakable. You have found a supportive team that you love and would never want to play without. This year’s team is special, it’s a team you cherish and are happy to end your career with. Why does it have to take this long to get it right? GROWTH!
The journey may not always be easy, giving up may be easier at some points but choose commitment, choose growth, choose happiness and choose your team. There is no growth and development without struggle and perseverance. Don’t forget to thank your coaches for everything they’ve done for you over the years for it is their commitment to you that pushes your growth. Thank your teammates as they along with the coaches have become family and taught you how to be yourself. Most importantly, thank your family for pushing you along the way towards understanding, acceptance, happiness and your truth. These people have allowed me to become myself to the fullest. Volleyball is something that has been my world for many years, it has caused pain, injuries and tears, but yet it gave me great joy, peace, comfort, and a whole lot of love. Investing in the process has all been worth it BUT it will make saying goodbye way harder than I anticipated.
