Finding Your Way Back: The Eileen Gex Story
4/7/2022
TW – Eating Disorders
It's crazy to think it's been almost two years since I went to eating disorder treatment. Yes, I, Eileen Gex, went to treatment, essentially rehab. Though I'm still coming to terms with calling it that because of the stigma around mental health; the “me” that many of you know as always carefree, smiling, and laughing has been through deeper struggles than I’ve initially let on.
Eileen Gex
I don't know if before treatment I ever had a completely normal relationship with food. All throughout high school, I never thought too much about food or what I ate. I would mostly pay attention to how I looked, and if I felt like I might be gaining weight, or I wasn't happy in my skin, I would start my own makeshift diet, lose a few pounds and that cycle would just continue.
Once I entered my freshman year of college, things began to shift. Freshman year was a whirlwind. Even though I was surrounded by the most incredible teammates, coaches and friends, I felt very lonely. I became so unhappy, even though on the outside I still acted like the happy girl I am today. It was my first year playing college volleyball and college sports are not easy. I also had made a big move from my home in Houston to Delaware, and it was really hard on me to be that far away from home.
Freshman year, I sustained three concussions while playing volleyball. Like most injuries, they were brutal for me to deal with. My third concussion took me 3 months to recover from - meaning three excruciating months of headaches from the light/noise or from too much activity.
During that time, I turned to one thing that I knew I could control: FOOD. It wasn't just about control though. I was already unhappy in my body and I couldn't play or train for volleyball, so I found this the perfect opportunity for me to focus on losing as much weight as I could. For some reason, I decided that being as skinny as possible would fix all of my problems, but in actuality, it didn't, it had quite the opposite effect.
By winter break freshman year, I had developed an eating disorder. And because of it, everything I loved most in the world was slowly being stripped away from me. I wasn't allowed to play volleyball due to medical concerns. I had no energy to talk with my friends or focus on school... All I could do was sleep my days away… and, honestly, that even felt exhausting sometimes.
I started isolating myself from my friends because I didn’t want to be around other people eating the foods I wouldn’t allow myself to eat. Then when I did eat, I would be filled with instant regret and guilt. I would look at pictures of myself from when I was 15 and 16 and be dedicated to being that skinny again. 15 and 16 years old!!! That is crazy. My body in those pictures was still a child. Not to mention I also wasn't a college athlete then. My new priority was to be skinny, and it made me miserable.
Eileen Gex
By 2020 spring break, COVID-19 interrupted classes, school was moved online and I went back home. By that point, I had already put myself through months of absolute agony trying to be skinny, even though no matter how skinny I was, it would never be enough. With just a few months left in my freshman year, I made the decision to take a medical leave from school and enter treatment. To say that was a difficult decision is an understatement. But, I was so tired of the life I was living and it's not like I could just go back to eating all my food again – that's not how eating disorders work. So, with the wonderful help from my family, friends and therapists, I entered a treatment facility in California. At treatment, I had to eat three meals and three snacks a day. And let me tell you – that was difficult. I vividly remember sitting down at the table one afternoon for a snack - that day it was chocolate covered almonds. I proceeded to ball my eyes out because I just couldn't do it. It was so hard to face those fears and I thought that eating those almonds would make me gain a million pounds. So, I hid them up my sleeve and then when snack time was over I threw them into the garden. I know it's a little funny to picture me doing that. But I'm telling this story because earlier that same morning I was able to get through my breakfast and later that day I was able to get through dinner.
One thing I have learned is that progress is most definitely not linear, and that's okay. You do not have to be perfect. You can't be perfect. But what you can do is show up everyday and try your best. Even though I know it can be hard sometimesEileen Gex
It’s wild to think back about that time in my life…
I am sharing all of this with you today because I know there are many people out there who understand this struggle. And I just want you to know that the light at the end of the tunnel is real. I can now say that I have never been this happy. The voices in your head telling you that you don’t look the way you should – they really do go away. It takes a lot of work, but YOU and YOUR life are so important.
If you relate to any of this… I am so sorry. I know how exhausting and painful it can be. But just think about the wonderful life you can have ahead of you when the things that society forces on us, like looking a certain way, don't hold power over us anymore. You deserve that, we all do.
Eileen Gex
Though not everyday is perfect, and sometimes I do still get anxious when sitting down for a meal, but it's nothing compared to what it used to be. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can help even just one person going through something similar -- because I promise you, life really is so much happier on the other side of your eating disorder. And if you can’t personally relate to this, I’m sure you know someone who can and I wanted to be able to raise awareness for people who are struggling. As I can attest to, even the people you might least expect, need help sometimes.
You are never alone, and there is help…
Sincerely,
#4 Eileen Gex
For anyone that is struggling, below are some resources:
National Eating Disorders Association - https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ - https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
UD Helpline 24/7/365 - 302-831-1001
Sports Psychology
Christine Jehu, PhD, Licensed Psychologist
Sport Psychologist
E-mail: drjehu@udel.edu
Phone: (302) 831-2141
Office: Whitney Athletic Center Christiana Care Sports Medicine Suite
Clare Devine, PsyD
Sport Psychology Post-Doctoral Fellow
E-mail: drdevine@udel.edu
Phone: (302) 831-2141
Office: Whitney Athletic Center Christiana Care Sports Medicine Suite
Performance Nutrition
Kelly Rossi, MS, RD, CSSD, LDN
Email: karossi@udel.edu
Austin Mark, RD, LDN
Email: augmark@udel.edu
Eileen Gex
